Look out! Pornography! Duck!

I’m so disappointed that I didn’t find out about this earlier. I can’t tell you how much safer and more secure I feel about the world around me to know that our dearly beloved President declared the week of October 26th to November 1st, 2003, to be Protection From Pornography Week.

Why, just the other day as I was in the corner store by my apartment, I was suddenly assaulted by Pornography. Racks and racks of catalogs, cardboard squares just barely covering the bountiful breasts of the ladies on the covers. “BARELY LEGAL!”, they screamed at me. “JUST TURNED EIGHTEEN!” called out another magazine. I couldn’t get away — I tried to leave, but suddenly I was accosted by “THE GIRLS OF STARBUCKS!” It was horrendous!

And if that weren’t bad enough — though I shudder to recall it, dear reader, and I do hope that those of you of a delicate constitution will turn away — right next to these was an even more hideous display of Pornography. Videos! I didn’t want to look at them, but the gaudy colors, the huge type on the boxes, and the titles — my God, the titles! “HOT CHOCOLATE LOVE!” cried out one, and I tried to turn away, lest it tempt me further. But it did me no good — right next to it sat another, coyly taunting me with promises of “HOT ASIAN ACTION!”

I turned and fled — it was more than any sane person should have to bear. How can we continue to allow this filth, this putrescence, this utter degradation to invade our lives? Sure, some may try to claim that it was in a small corner of the store, that I didn’t have to look. But truly, brothers and sisters, they called to me! I was a slave to their wanton desires! This must be STOPPED!

Ahem.

Or we could just go on with our lives and spend our tax dollars on something that might actually do some good for once. Cripes.

And now, in honor of this precious and noble week, I give you…BOOBIES!

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Another thing that D and I noticed while we were looking at the proclamation.

We have committed significant resources to the Department of Justice to intensify investigative and prosecutorial efforts to combat obscenity, child pornography, and child sexual exploi-ta-tion on the Internet.

“Exploi-ta-tion.”

The only explanation we could come up with is that breaking the word down like that is the only way President Bush would be able to make it through that many syllables without stumbling, and someone forgot to correct that before uploading the speech to the site. But even so — couldn’t they at least break it down into the correct number of syllables?

(via Paul)