…Vin Diesel:

  • If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: “I End Lives.”
  • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
  • In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  • Crop circles are Vin’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
  • Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
  • Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
  • Vin Diesel can divide by zero.
  • Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Vin Diesel. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, “Jackets are for pussies!” at the Acrtic researchers.
  • Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
  • When Vin Diesel runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

…Chuck Norris:

  • Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
  • Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
  • A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  • The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
  • Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
  • Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  • Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
  • Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

…Mr. T:

  • The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.
  • Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.
  • Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar, they travelled to the only safe place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang.
  • When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.
  • Ever have a sharp pain in your chest that you can’t explain? That was Mr. T, and it was a warning.
  • Contrary to popular belief, the ancient world knew of 5 elements, not 4. They were earth, air, fire, water and pity. Mr. T invented them all.
  • Twenty-three. That’s the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
  • On the A-team, Face, Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn’t have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn’t recognize him out of fear.
  • Mr. T is not black. It’s just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.
  • Mr. T’s edition of the VH1 show ‘Where Are They Now’ was the shortest in the show’s history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words “Right Behind You” written on it.
  • If you were born before 1980, there is a good chance that Mr. T is your father. If you were born after, it’s guaranteed.

[See also: Manly Pink: The photos | The New Apartment | Kynt and Vyxsin | LiveJournal voyeurism | Pussy Power! ]

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