eclecticism

After class this morning, I wandered across the street to the bus stop. I was a little annoyed at myself for leaving my bus pass at home, but since I had a few ones, it didn’t matter too much. I got on the 75 and picked up a transfer, rode to the Northgate Transit Center, waited there for about ten minutes, and then took the 41 to our apartment. As I waited for the bus to roll to a stop, I peeked out the windows and scanned our parking lot for the car to see if Prairie was back from her morning jaunt with Hope. The car wasn’t in the lot…

…oh, wait. Crap.

I drove to school this morning.

Prairie hasn’t been able to stop giggling for the past half hour.

On the bright side, I didn’t have to catch the bus back to school, as Prairie was able to call Hope and have her drive us up to the school to rescue the car. Which I’d forgotten. Left behind.

I am such a dork.

Point one: A news story about a Darwin Award contender. Point two: great headline. Point three: horrid choice of ad banner (probably automatically generated).

Hey, it made me laugh.

From the Christian Science Monitor, a funny editorial advertising Restraint®, a cure for Deficit Attention Disorder (DAD)!

Have you ever wondered how the federal government can bail out banks and mortgage-holders, cut your taxes, try to protect Social Security, expand your Medicare benefits, and send you a stimulus check – all at the same time? These may be symptoms of an embarrassing condition afflicting political parties, banks, and households across America: Deficit Attention Disorder (DAD).

Unchecked, normal individuals (as well as politicians and bank CEOs) afflicted by DAD start to believe in money that doesn’t exist. This silent assassin of fiscal sanity overheats your credit card, sells you a make-believe mortgage, makes your pension go “poof,” and drops a whopping entitlement tab on your kids.

Fortunately, there’s a new way to get DAD under control – without any of the cosmetic remedies prescribed by spin doctors. By combining an ancient Zen secret with a cure-all from your grandmother, our researchers are proud to introduce: Restraint®.

Google Maps Streetview seems to have discovered a wormhole while driving down Muldoon Road in Anchorage, Alaska (my hometown). Somehow, in all the years of driving up and down this road, I’d never noticed the sudden jump into a residential parking lot and then back onto the road itself. I’m obviously not paying enough attention!

There are multiple versions of this floating around on the ‘net, and I’ve run across the concept before, but I saw this particular version for the first time this week in my Women’s Studies class, where it got a lot of laughs and some good discussions going.

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
2. When and how did you decide that you were a heterosexual?
3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?
4. Is it possible your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?
5. If you’ve never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good gay or lesbian lover?
6. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?
7. Why do you heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into your lifestyle?
8. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Why can’t you just be what you are and keep quiet about it?
9. Would you want your children to be heterosexual knowing the problems they’d face?
10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual. Do you consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?
11. With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?
12. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?
13. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual like you?
14. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t you fear (s)he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his/her own leanings?
15. How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality, and fail to develop your natural, healthy homosexual potential?
16. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?

An e-mail from Mom. Normally I don’t pass these kinds of things on (via e-mail or the web), especially when they’re already posted on Snopes (this one is listed as ‘Undetermined’), but this one had both Prairie and I in stitches (no pun intended) as we read through it. Lots of good arguments for the importance of clarity in writing in here!

A selection of choice writings taken from medical (and nursing!) notes!

• By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
• She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
• I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious.
• Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
• I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
• The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Ward to dispose of him.
• Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
• The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
• Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
• Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
• The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
• She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
• The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
• The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
• The patient is disabled with a wife from Portsmouth
• Uterus remains in place resting comfortably (after prolapse repair)
• Diagnosis: Claus-trophobia
• Comes to ED complaining of vaginal breathing.
• Patient arrived by avalanche
• Odor of alcohol on breast
• Patient stable all morning, in asystole
• Road Traffic Accident, back seat driver
• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
• The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
• Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
• Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
• Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
• The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
• Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
• While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
• The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
• Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Y’know, it’s really sad that this kind of polite, civil, and amusing discourse is so rarely seen these days. Two people on very different sides of an issue who, rather than loudly proclaiming their absolute certainty that they are right and the other is wrong, are able to amiably chat and joke with each other about the differences in their viewpoints.

Part one:

Part two:

This is neither pro-Obama nor anti-Clinton in my mind — I haven’t officially taken a stance yet, though unofficially I’m throwing my vote in with Cthulhu (why settle for the lesser of two evils, after all?) — I just think it’s really funny. It’s also ganked in full from the Slog:

Uh oh. Earlier this week Hillary Clinton instructed supporters to bet on the filly in the Kentucky Derby. In other words: Bet on Eight Belles, the only female in the horse race (and, Clinton obviously hoped, a potentially promising metaphor/omen for herself and her chances of winning the Democratic nomination).

Well, as local sports fanatic Seth Kolloen just pointed out via email (and on his blog), it didn’t go so well for the filly today.

In a development that you couldn’t even make up, Eight Belles finished second, but broke both her ankles during the race, collapsed at the end, and was immediately euthanized on the track.

(Oh — while it shouldn’t need to be clarified, just to cover my bases with the terminally dense: no, the injury and death of the horse is not funny. The “seemed like a good idea at the time” and subsequently horrifically botched political analogy is hilarious.)

A bit of pseudo-Shakespearean silliness, originally by ceruleanst:

ACT I SCENE 2. A road, morning. Enter a carriage, with JULES and VINCENT, murderers.

J: And know’st thou what the French name cottage pie?
V: Say they not cottage pie, in their own tongue?
J: But nay, their tongues, for speech and taste alike
   Are strange to ours, with their own history:
   Gaul knoweth not a cottage from a house.
V: What say they then, pray?
J: Hachis Parmentier.
V: Hachis Parmentier! What name they cream?
J: Cream is but cream, only they say le crème.
V: What do they name black pudding?
J: I know not;
   I visited no inn it could be bought.

J: My pardon; did I break thy concentration?
   Continue! Ah, but now thy tongue is still.
   Allow me then to offer a response.
   Describe Marsellus Wallace to me, pray.
B: What?
J: What country dost thou hail from?
B: What?
J: How passing strange, for I have traveled far,
   And never have I heard tell of this What.
   What language speak they in the land of What?
B: What?
J: The Queen’s own English, base knave, dost thou speak it?
B: Aye!
J: Then hearken to my words and answer them!
   Describe to me Marsellus Wallace!
B: What?
JULES presses his knife to BRETT’s throat
J: Speak ‘What’ again! Thou cur, cry ‘What’ again!
   I dare thee utter ‘What’ again but once!
   I dare thee twice and spit upon thy name!
   Now, paint for me a portraiture in words,
   If thou hast any in thy head but ‘What’,
   Of Marsellus Wallace!
B: He is dark.
J: Aye, and what more?
B: His head is shaven bald.
J: Has he the semblance of a harlot?
B: What?
JULES strikes and BRETT cries out
J: Has he the semblance of a harlot?
B: Nay!
J: Then why didst thou attempt to bed him thus?
B: I did not!
J: Aye, thou didst! O, aye, thou didst!
   Thou hoped to rape him like a chattel whore,
   And sooth, Lord Wallace is displeased to bed
   With anyone but she to whom he wed.

(via Boing Boing)

Joshua Allen (aka Fireland) uses Science! to determine the perfect song length: two minutes and forty-two seconds.

Just look at what clocks in between two and a half and three minutes: “Mr. Tambourine Man,” “We Got the Beat,” “Boys Don’t Cry,” “Hot Fun in the Summertime,” “Good Times Bad Times,” “I Would Die 4 U,” “Paranoid,” “Blowin’ in the Wind,” “Debaser,” “God Only Knows,” and “Fall on Me.” These are not only stone-cold classics but they also encapsulate all that is great about the band without wasting your goddamn time.

The scientists then dug up this song by a group that pretty much defines one-hit wonder: the La’s. The song is “There She Goes,” and is so flawless that it instantly made everything else the band did pointless. This ditty is two minutes and 42 seconds, and is all about songwriting economy.

I listened to it and said, in my rich and sonorous timbre, in my typically concise and absolutely-nailing-it fashion: “Here is a song that has everything I need and nothing I don’t.”

Out of curiosity (and amusement), I did a quick scan of my music collection to see what I had that clocked in at this magical time. Here’s a few that I noticed that deserve mention (though whether they prove or disprove his conclusions may well depend on your personal taste)…

• The Beastie Boys, “Lighten Up”
• Count Basie, “April in Paris”
• Mark Dinning, “Teen Angel”
• The Tokens, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight (Wimoweh)”
• Neil Diamond, “Red, Red Wine”
• The Mamas and the Papas, “California Dreamin’”
• Pearl Jam, “Oceans”
• Bow Wow Wow, “I Want Candy”
• The Violent Femmes, “Mother of a Girl”
• The Drifters, “Under the Boardwalk”
• Frank Sinatra, “Lover”
• Chuck Berry, “Johnny B. Goode”
• Danny and the Juniors, “At the Hop”
• Depeche Mode, “Enjoy the Slience (Harmonium Mix)”
• The Mouseketeers, “The Mickey Mouse Club March”
• The Andrews Sisters, “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy”

All in all, some good stuff in there. He just might be on to something…

Flickr has video now! This is a silly little meme that’s going around called Fridgets: short little videos with the camera inside the fridge.

At least, according to the BBC and Monty Python’s Terry Jones on April 1st, they can…

Easily the best April Fools bit I’ve seen in years. Dad’s gonna love this one!

A bit of silliness here. A few months back, Prairie and I went to see Monty Python’s Spamalot when it was here in Seattle. In the programs, where you’d expect to find the show information and cast/creator bios, there was instead very Pythonesque information about ‘Bin Faaarkrekkion’s New Moosical, Dik Od Triaanenen Fol (Finns Ain’t What They Used to Be)’. The actual Spamalot information was a few pages back in the program, of course. Here, though, for those who may not get to see Spamalot onstage, is the skinny on ol’ Bin Faaarkrekkion.

Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve long been a fan of Pulp’s song ‘Common People’, and some time back I stumbled across the mini-comic of the song drawn by Tank Girl artist Jamie Hewlett, which was a great find. A couple days ago, comic reviewer Chris Sims, in an inspired bit of silliness, set the lyrics for ‘Common People’ to a bunch of altered Archie comic panels.

Continuing the silliness, I spent a little time tonight combining Chris’s strips with Pulp’s song…enjoy!

Interesting postscript: after I uploaded the video, I got an ominously titled e-mail from YouTube with the subject “Copyright Notice”.

Dear Member:

This is to notify you that your video Archie vs. Pulp: Common People has been identified as containing content that may be owned by someone else. The material identified in your video, the person claiming ownership of the material, and the policy they have designated for its use on YouTube are detailed below.

Material	Copyright Holder	Policy	Countries
Audio from PULP-COMMON PEOPLE	UMG	Allow	Everywhere

If the policy listed is “Allow,” you do not need to take action.

Neat — many thanks to UMG for being gracious enough to set an ‘Allow’ policy on this music. Nifty!