Perverts Anonymous Qualification Exam (Purity Test I) Version 1.1: 1988 (?) ________________________________________________________________________ Public domain, no copyright. All rights wronged, all wrongs reversed. Up with going down. The risen flesh commands: let there be love. Murphy's law on sex: Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics. Chaste makes waste. Virginity can be cured. This document was not sponsored by the Department of Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, and was not monitored by the Air Force Avionics Laboratory. The views and conclusions contained in this document should not be interpreted as representing the official policies, either expressed or implied, of the Defense Advanced Projects Agency or the US Government. Neither should it be interpreted nor inferred that the authors/contributors have actually performed any of the actions contained herein. ________________________________________________________________________ Disclaimer of Liability The user of this test acknowledges that sex is a hazardous sport; that a person must copulate in control, and use good judgement at all times; that partners' conditions vary constantly and are greatly affected by weather changes and previous use; and that dirty sheets, variations in terrain and bed surfaces, spouses/pimps/managers, forest growth, rocks and debris, clothed obstacles, and many other natural and man-made obstacles and hazards including other users and customers, exist throughout the bedroom area. Personal managers (pimps/spouses) and sado-masochistic operations and equipment are constantly in use and may be hazardous to those not copulating in control. Impotence, collisions, and social diseases resulting in injury can happen at any time, even to those copulating in control with proper sexual equipment. Inherent resks are part of the sport and may exist within your partner. As a condition of being permitted to use the facilities of your partner, the user of this test agrees to copulate in control and within the limits of his/her ability, and further acknowledges and accepts these hazards, dangers, and risks and assumes the risk of injury or loss to person or damage to property which might result from use of the partner's facilities. As a further condition of being permitted to use the facilities of your partner, the customer understands and agrees that: (1) in the event of a transfer of use by another or anything else that in the management's opinion is misconduct, misuse, kinky, impotence, or a nuisance, this service may be revoked without refund; (2) the partner is the property of the harem and, upon request, s/he must be presented to any authorized representative of the pimp/spouse; (3) sexual equipment must be visibly displayed at all times when you are in any bedroom and when approaching the bed to copulate. Your sexual partner is not transferable; see Theft of Services, V.S.A., sections 2581 and 2582. ________________________________________________________________________ Definitions All questions in this test pertain to events that have happened to you subsequent to your weaning and babyhood/infancy. Anything that may have happened before that time is considered null and void. The term "mutual masturbation" refers to someone masturbating you and/or you masturbating someone else, not exclusively at the same time. We would also like to define having sex in the homosexual case: homosexual sex has occurred when both partners are of the same sex and one of the partners has an orgasm while there is some contact between the genitals of both partners. All technicalities count. ________________________________________________________________________ Abbreviations: MOS: Member of the Opposite Sex HSI: Had Sexual Intercourse All sexual activity questions must be scored after puberty. Have you ever: 1. had an erection (clitoral or penal)? 2. told a dirty joke to a MOS? 3. been out on a date? 4. been out on a date past 4am? 5. had a blind date? 6. danced cheek to cheek? 7. kissed a MOS? 8. kissed a MOS in the horizontal position? 9. kissed a MOS in the last three months? 10. kissed under water? 11. kissed a MOS on the thigh? 12. been french kissed? 13. kissed or been kissed by a MOS on the breast? 14. necked? 15. necked for more than two hours continuously? 16. come while necking? 17. seen a naked MOS over the age of 15? 18. been seen naked by a MOS after puberty? 19. seen a stripper? 20. read a porno book or magazine? 21. seen a porno movie? 22. committed an act of voyeurism? 23. had an alcoholic drink? 24. been drunk? 25. used alcohol to lower a MOS's resistance to sexual activity? 26. smoked tobacco? 27. smoked marijuana or hashish? 28. used stronger drugs? 29. been arrested? 30. been convicted of a crime? 31. had breasts fondled or fondled the breasts of a MOS? 32. caressed a MOS's thigh? 33. fondled a MOS's ass? 34. fondled a MOS's thigh? 35. had your genitals fondled? 36. had clitoral stimulation (co-ed)? 37. had an orgasm due to manipulation by a MOS? 38. gone through the motions of sex while fully dressed? 39. massaged or been massaged by a MOS? 40. bathed or saunaed with a MOS? 41. undressed a MOS? 42. been undressed by a MOS? 43. had sexual intercourse (HSI)? 44. HSI outdoors? 45. HSI more than ten times? 46. HSI with a virgin? 47. HSI three or more times in one night? 48. HSI in three or more positions? 49. HSI in a car? 50. HSI with two or more MOS's within 24 hours? 51. HSI using a condom? 52. HSI at a drive in movie? 53. HSI at the MOS's house or dorm room? 54. HSI within the last three months? 55. HSI continuously for half an hour? 56. had anal intercourse? 57. impregnated a woman, or been pregnant? 58. arranged or had an abortion? 59. gone on, or been the object of a nookie run of over 100 miles? 60. described a sexual experience to a third party? 61. committed incest? 62. attended an orgy? 63. committed statutory rape? 64. committed forcible rape or been raped? 65. propositioned by a prostitute or pimp? 66. accepted the proposition by a prostitute or pimp? 67. engaged in fellatio? 68. engaged in cunningulus? 69. engaged in '69?' 70. masturbated? 71. masturbated with another person in the room? 72. masturbated to a picture? 73. been caught masturbating? 74. watched another person masturbate? 75. been propositioned by a homosexual? 76. accepted the proposition of a homosexual? 77. been masturbated by a member of the same sex? 78. orally stimulated by a member of the same sex? 79. HSI with a homosexual MOS? 80. lived in a co-ed room with three or more occupants? 81. been displaced by a MOS staying with a roommate for one night or more? 82. committed an 'oops' (walked in on persons having sex)? 83. spent the night in a MOS's room or apartment? 84. slept with a MOS? 85. showered with a MOS? 86. wrestled with a MOS? 87. had or caused a pregnancy test due to reasonable suspicion? 88. had VD? 89. had 'passion cramps?' 90. fondled a MOS under 13 years of age? 91. worn a MOS's clothes? 92. committed bestiality? 93. tasted semen? 94. played co-ed strip poker? 95. simulated sex with an inanimate object? 96. picked up a MOS? 97. had an orgasm in a dream? 98. bought contraceptives in a drugstore? 99. experimented sexually before puberty? 100. committed an act of exhibitionism? SCORING: Add the number of 'yes' answers, and subtract that from 100. The result is your purity percentage. Supposedly, the lower your percentage, the more sleazy you are, and the higher your score, the more pure you are. Keep in mind that it's all in fun, however. The average score is 50-60%.