eclecticism

A couple weeks ago, author, actor, and humorist John Hodgman was the guest on NPR’s “Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me!” As I listened to John and host Peter Sagal, John’s simple, polite, and deadpan delivery of often ludicrous responses to Peter’s questions reminded me very strongly of an old comedy album of my dad’s that I listened to time and time again growing up, where ABC television announcer Ernie Anderson plays straight man to comedian Tim Conway in a series of interviews.

Here, then, is that album, recorded to .mp3 from the very album that I grew up listening to. You can listen to or download the tracks individually or grab the full album as a 47Mb .zip file. Enjoy! The whole album is quite funny and worth downloading, but if you want to sample, my particular favorites are “Do You Fly Much?”, “Boy”, and “The Baseball Coordinator”.

1. Do You Fly Much? (3.8Mb .mp3)
2. Boy (5.1Mb .mp3)
3. Dr. Herford (6.3Mb .mp3)
4. Matchmaker (5.8Mb .mp3)
5. Race Car Driver (6.8Mb .mp3)
6. King Anderson of Parma (4.7Mb .mp3)
7. The Warden (5.1Mb .mp3)
8. The Baseball Coordinator (4.7Mb .mp3)
9. The Swiss Astronaut (4.8Mb .mp3)

As a bonus: this is one of the funniest Tim Conway bits I’ve ever seen. An outtake from the Carol Burnett Show, Tim won’t let the sketch go on until he’s done telling his elephant stories…

Liner notes for the ‘Are We On?’ album after the jump: Read the rest of this entry »

(via John Moltz via FakeJohnMcCain)

Six Seconds of Cute, originally uploaded by djwudi.

This was one of the best things we saw at the Puyallup fair. Put a kid no older than six (the youngest we saw was three) and no heavier than sixty pounds on a sheep and let them try to hang on for six seconds. Really cute, and really funny!

I took a ton of pictures of this, and now I’m having a terrible time trying to cull them down to just a few that are post-worthy. They’re just all so cute…and kind of hilariously disturbing, since it’s essentially a series of young children falling on their heads. The kind of thing you know you really shouldn’t laugh at, but….

Anyway, I put together this collage as a sample of what each round looked like.

Best Viewed Larger and On Black

Read the rest of this entry »

42 years ago today, “The Man Trap” introduced Star Trek to the world.

After finding this post, and being prompted by this post, I decided to update my geek code. Decode the following gibberish here:

-----BEGIN GEEK CODE BLOCK-----
Version: 3.1
GAT d-(--) s:-- a35 C++(+++) U*++++ P+ L- E---
W+++ N+++ o K w--- O- M+++ V PS++ PE Y+ PGP t+(+++)
5 X+ R- tv b+(+++) DI++ D+ G e+ h--- r++ y++**
------END GEEK CODE BLOCK------

Given recent adventures, this made me laugh…

Jason Kottke’s done a wonderful job of rounding up some of history’s best Olympic moments on YouTube. However, I think he missed a select few that truly deserve to be seen and appreciated.

I’ll freely admit that, while geeky, I’m not one who will stand in line for hours for an item I can get faster and easier if I wait a few days. I’m less concerned with “firsties” than with my own convenience.

That said — I love the fact that the customer in this video actually calls the reporter on his idiotic “reporting.” I wish more people would do this — perhaps we’d actually get a bit more news in the news, instead of mindless fluff.

Probably not. But perhaps.

Another addition to the list of reasons why I’m going to hell, or, things I really shouldn’t find funny, but do. It’s not the following story that’s funny — to the contrary, it’s rather horrendous — but NetNewsWire’s ‘show corrections’ feature inadvertently had me snickering as my brain ignored the strikeouts and mashed together bits of the two versions of the story summary.

The bit that really kept getting me was that the man “has been sentenced to two life terms in bed, dead from apparent gunshot wounds.”

There’s something seriously wrong with me.

After class this morning, I wandered across the street to the bus stop. I was a little annoyed at myself for leaving my bus pass at home, but since I had a few ones, it didn’t matter too much. I got on the 75 and picked up a transfer, rode to the Northgate Transit Center, waited there for about ten minutes, and then took the 41 to our apartment. As I waited for the bus to roll to a stop, I peeked out the windows and scanned our parking lot for the car to see if Prairie was back from her morning jaunt with Hope. The car wasn’t in the lot…

…oh, wait. Crap.

I drove to school this morning.

Prairie hasn’t been able to stop giggling for the past half hour.

On the bright side, I didn’t have to catch the bus back to school, as Prairie was able to call Hope and have her drive us up to the school to rescue the car. Which I’d forgotten. Left behind.

I am such a dork.

Point one: A news story about a Darwin Award contender. Point two: great headline. Point three: horrid choice of ad banner (probably automatically generated).

Hey, it made me laugh.

From the Christian Science Monitor, a funny editorial advertising Restraint®, a cure for Deficit Attention Disorder (DAD)!

Have you ever wondered how the federal government can bail out banks and mortgage-holders, cut your taxes, try to protect Social Security, expand your Medicare benefits, and send you a stimulus check – all at the same time? These may be symptoms of an embarrassing condition afflicting political parties, banks, and households across America: Deficit Attention Disorder (DAD).

Unchecked, normal individuals (as well as politicians and bank CEOs) afflicted by DAD start to believe in money that doesn’t exist. This silent assassin of fiscal sanity overheats your credit card, sells you a make-believe mortgage, makes your pension go “poof,” and drops a whopping entitlement tab on your kids.

Fortunately, there’s a new way to get DAD under control – without any of the cosmetic remedies prescribed by spin doctors. By combining an ancient Zen secret with a cure-all from your grandmother, our researchers are proud to introduce: Restraint®.

Google Maps Streetview seems to have discovered a wormhole while driving down Muldoon Road in Anchorage, Alaska (my hometown). Somehow, in all the years of driving up and down this road, I’d never noticed the sudden jump into a residential parking lot and then back onto the road itself. I’m obviously not paying enough attention!

There are multiple versions of this floating around on the ‘net, and I’ve run across the concept before, but I saw this particular version for the first time this week in my Women’s Studies class, where it got a lot of laughs and some good discussions going.

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
2. When and how did you decide that you were a heterosexual?
3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?
4. Is it possible your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?
5. If you’ve never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good gay or lesbian lover?
6. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?
7. Why do you heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into your lifestyle?
8. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Why can’t you just be what you are and keep quiet about it?
9. Would you want your children to be heterosexual knowing the problems they’d face?
10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual. Do you consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?
11. With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?
12. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?
13. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual like you?
14. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t you fear (s)he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his/her own leanings?
15. How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality, and fail to develop your natural, healthy homosexual potential?
16. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?

An e-mail from Mom. Normally I don’t pass these kinds of things on (via e-mail or the web), especially when they’re already posted on Snopes (this one is listed as ‘Undetermined’), but this one had both Prairie and I in stitches (no pun intended) as we read through it. Lots of good arguments for the importance of clarity in writing in here!

A selection of choice writings taken from medical (and nursing!) notes!

• By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
• She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
• I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious.
• Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
• I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
• The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Ward to dispose of him.
• Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
• The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
• Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
• Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
• The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
• She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
• The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
• The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
• The patient is disabled with a wife from Portsmouth
• Uterus remains in place resting comfortably (after prolapse repair)
• Diagnosis: Claus-trophobia
• Comes to ED complaining of vaginal breathing.
• Patient arrived by avalanche
• Odor of alcohol on breast
• Patient stable all morning, in asystole
• Road Traffic Accident, back seat driver
• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
• The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
• Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
• Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
• Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
• The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
• Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
• While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
• The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
• Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Y’know, it’s really sad that this kind of polite, civil, and amusing discourse is so rarely seen these days. Two people on very different sides of an issue who, rather than loudly proclaiming their absolute certainty that they are right and the other is wrong, are able to amiably chat and joke with each other about the differences in their viewpoints.

Part one:

Part two:

About a week and a half ago, six teams of people with dance in their souls — if not their soles — gathered together for a battle royale at Dance Off 2007.

If you were there, you know the pure awesomeness of the spectacle. If you weren’t there (foolish mortal), then at least I can offer this photographic record of the event.

Truly, such fleetfooted feats (feets?) shall never grace a stage again.

Until next year, of course.

Can’t keep all the various options or points of view on Seattle’s ongoing “what do we do about the Viaduct” battle straight? Here’s a handy-dandy guide to the various species involved, thanks to SLOG reader ‘Golob’.

Read the rest of this entry »

Me as an M&M, originally uploaded by djwudi.

As created on Become an M&M. Yay!

A bit of silliness on Flickr these days: if you add a note that says simply ‘ho ho ho hat’ to a photo, Flickr will add a Santa hat to the photo where the note is placed.

There’s a few people getting up in arms about the ‘defacement’ of their photos, but if you decide you don’t like this, you can simply delete the note. I see it as a harmless bit of holiday silliness.

And I like harmless silliness.

Frankly, I’d be more than a little surprised if nobody had attempted zero-g sex yet, no matter how strenuously NASA denies it. Still, if you’re looking to be the “official” first couple to give it a shot (and happen to be absolutely filthy rich), just give the Russian space agency a call!

THEY put the first man in space, then the first tourist. Now the Russians could make one wealthy couple the first members of the 240-mile-high club.

In its latest attempt to develop space tourism, Russia is offering a pair of newlyweds the chance to swap Venice or Paris for a cosmic honeymoon on board the international space station.

For $US48 million ($65 million) - the cost of a pair of space return tickets - the couple could become the first to experience the uncharted joys of sex in zero gravity.

“It would bring the mile-high club to new heights,” said Rob Volmer of Space Adventures, the company that has teamed up with the Russian Aviation and Space Agency to offer the trip.

(via GothicVamps)

Something tells me that this isn’t an ad we’d see here in America. Not sure why? It’s kind of subtle. Look at his legs. Sure makes me wish I knew Russian, just so I knew what the ad copy was.

(From Vinay Venkatesh via NSLog();)

[Note: This was originally a post to the IRN, run by Royce for a few years in the early ’90s. I’m including it here for completeness. Originally archived here.]

#090 ACAD2A::ASRDW1 Tue 12 Nov 1991 08:24:00 ( 3/ 76) M

From: Royster
Subject: Well, how about this one -

(it’s about time)

If you met yourself on the street, what would you think?

#11 ACAD2A::ASMDH Tue 12 Nov 1991 17:35:26 ( 17/ 623) M

From: The Woodmeister
Subject: Re: Well, how about this one -

If I met me, poetry would spring to my mind (both of them):

A single rose
Shoved up your nose
You lick my toes
While in repose
My mother knows
Where Einstein goes
I’m in the throes
Of melanoma

Why? Because it is probably one of my few truly creative joint efforts with a friend, and as such, I am immeasurably proud of it, twisted though it may be. Therefore, when I saw me, each of me would remember the poem, start laughing, and go on our merry ways, only to have simultaneous nervous breakdowns at a later date, when the concept of the world having to cope with two of me actually beat its way into my intellect.