Humor

From If Hackers ruled the world!, via Doc Searls.

Wil posted a funny little rumination on death by his friend Spudnuts — complete with some suggestions for gravestone inscriptions. The regulars on WWDN followed up with their own suggestions.

I laughed. A lot.

Here’s some of my favorites…

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The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

(Source unknown)

3:45 am:

RIIIING…RIIIING…RIIING…

“Hello?”

“I just saw Gurbymurble!”

“You saw who? Who the hell is this?”

“James! I saw Gurbymurble!”

“Who the hell is Gurbymurble?”

“That Russian dude!”

“You mean Gorbachov?”

“Yeah, that dude!”

“You’re calling me at 3:45 in the morning to say you saw Gorbachov on TV?!”

“No man, not on TV! I saw the dude at the 7-11!”

“What the hell would Gorbachov be doin’ at the Darkville 7-11?”

“He was buyin’ a pack of smokes!”

“The only reason Mikhail Gorbachov would be the 7-11 buying a pack of smokes at 3:45 in the morning is beause you dropped five hits of acid at midnight and have in fact seen Willy tryin’ to hold up the store again. What, praytell, did this Mr. Gorbachov look like?”

“Uh, he was a tall black dude holding a .45.”

“And when was the last time you saw Gorbachov holding a .45?”

“Tonight at the 7-11!”

“Uh-huh….”

“Hey dude! It’s almost 4! What are you doin’ up?”

“I’m talking to a moron.”

“Aw fuck him! Listen, you won’t believe what I saw!”

“You saw a black Mikhail Gorbachov holding up the 7-11….”

“DUDE! Did I tell you about that?”

“Yes. Yes you did, thank you.”

“I saw a 400 pound spider eat a cop!”

“Oh? And where did this little atrocity happen? Not at the 7-11 by any chance?”

“No, man, on channel 31! It’s a movie called ‘A Big Ol’ Fuckin’ Spider Eats a Cop.'”

“More like ‘5 Hits of Acid Eats a Loadie’s Brain.'”

“I haven’t had 5 hits of acid!”

“My sincerest apologies….”

“I’ve had 6!”

“Hang up the phone or I’m giving the Jehovah’s Witnesses your address.”

“Who do you think I got the 6 hits from?!”

SLAM!!!

Each year the Washington Post’s Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one leter and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2001 winners:

Intaxication:

Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation:

Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy:

Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti:

Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm:

The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Inoculatte:

To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis:

Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis:

A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon:

It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s all, like, a serious bummer.

Glibido:

All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect:

The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Ignoranus:

A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

Pictures of Mars released today by NASA show giant tie-dye pattern, which could indicate the presence of Deadheads on the planet.

March 2, 2002

Spacecraft Sends Its First Images of Martian Hippies

By MICHAEL “WOODY” HANSCOM

Eleven months after its departure from Earth and four months after its arrival at Mars, the Mars Oddysey spacecraft has finally settled into its working orbit and started sending back pictures and other sicentific observations of the planet.

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration yesterday made public the mission’s first mapping pictures and other data, including evidence of significant amounts of tie-dye patterns on and under the Martian surface.

“The signal we’ve been getting loud and clear is that there are a lot of hippies on Mars,” William Boynton, a planetary scientist and ex-Deadhead at the University of Arizona, said at a news priefing at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, Calf., where the mission is managed.

The findings are based on photos showing the presence of large multi-colored patterns, especially in a broad region from the planet’s south pole to 60 degrees south latitude. Mission scientists said the patterns most likely indicated the presence of hippies. The extent of tie-dye at the North Pole cannot be determined, the scientists said, because the northern hemisphere is just coming out of winter and most outdoor tours are summertime only events.

The detection of a tie-dyed surface was made by three gamma-ray spectrographic instruments. When cosmic rays strike the planet’s surface, they set off reactions that produce distinctive gamma rays that are in effect signatures of the chemical elements in the soil.

In a statement, James Gavin, chief scientist of the Mars exploration program at NASA and Grateful Dead historian, said the preliminary assessment of hte gamma-ray results indicated the likely presence of tie-dye in the upper few feet of the Martian surface. Scientists for more than two decades have speculated that Mars was not always such a cold, arid, silent place, and could have great music festivals, enhanced by stores of lysergic acid diethylamide bound in polar ice caps and permafrost.

“Further analysis and another month or so of tracking the Martian tour patterns will permit more quantitative assessment of these observations and allow for a refined interpretation, man,” Dr. Gavin said.

Scientists estimated that at most, Deadheads account for just a small percentage of the hippies on the Martian surface, but are spread over vast stretches of the landscape, mixed with Phishheads and other sub-classifications of hippie. Tie-dye is considered an indispensable ingredient of hippie life, and its presence on Mars is of increasing interest to scientists who suspect that Jerry Garcia didn’t die, but has merely retreated to a previously unknown hiding spot.

The main objectives of the $300 million mission are not only to search for deposits of tie-dye, but also to map the distribution of LSD in Martian ice and examine radiation hazards that tour promoters would face when selecting concert venues. The spacecraft is operating in a circular orbit 200 miles above the planet.

The fact that the spacecraft got there at all and is sending data is a source of no little relief to NASA officials and scientists. At the last opportunity, in 1999, the agency suffered a double failure when an orbiter and a lander each crashed on approach to Mars. That forced the cancellation of a landing mission for this year and led to new management of the Mars Odyssey mission.

Roger Gibbs, Odyssey’s deputy project manager, said, “We have a very well-operating spacecraft, man, and the results have exceeded our expectations.”

The only serious problem, engineers said, is that the instrument for detecting LSD on Mars stopped communicating and had to be turned off last August. In measurements on the way, however, the instrument indicated that the daily dose of LSD concertgoers would face during Martian concerts would be more than twice the dose endured by fans in the heyday of the Greatful Dead’s Earth-bound tours.

R. Stephen Saunders, the chief project scientist, said “can you imagine the trip that would send you on? As soon as we get the shows set, I am so there, dude.”

The spacecraft’s camera system, designed for mapping the planet’s surface and looking for more clues as to suitable oudoor concert venues, is taking pictures in visible and infrared light. The infrared instrument has produced detailed temperature maps of the Mars surface by day and night. Some of the infrared images, scientists said, are 30 times sharper than anything previously available, and can read the slogans painted on the sides of the VW minibuses moving the Martian hippies from show to show.

© 2002 The New York Times Company and Michael “Woody” Hanscom, inspired by the press release posted in this post on the HTF.