On Klingon Coiffures

Some semi-serious musing about Discovery season two:

Two things that we know at this point (not the only two things, just two things germane to this): season two starts immediately following season one, and every Klingon we’ve seen in the trailer, including L’Rell, now have their traditional (well, from TNG onward) long, flowing locks.

Which tells me one of three things: there’s a fairly substantial time jump sometime during season two, Klingon hair grows extremely quickly, or the Discovery producers were so intent on satisfying this particular aspect of fanwank that they didn’t think about that aspect.

Or, I suppose, the Klingon market for hair weaves suddenly exploded.

Faux Klingons

I just heard about this through last Sunday’s ‘[Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me!][1]’ show (which I just found out is available as a [podcast][2], since I never manage to remember to turn on the actual radio), and I think this might be the best Iraq War analogy I’ve heard yet:

[1]: http://www.npr.org/programs/waitwait/ “NPR: Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me!”
[2]: http://www.npr.org/rss/podcast/podcast_detail.php?siteId=5183214 “NPR: WWDTM Podcast Info”

[One Minute Speech][3] by Rep. David Wu, D-Oregon, 1st District, Portland:

> Mr. Speaker,
> Four years ago, this administration took America to war in Iraq without adequate evidence. Since that time, this administration hasn’t listened to the American people, it hasn’t listened to our professional military, and it certainly hasn’t listened to this congress.
> You know, it’s said of a prominent businessman in downtown Portland that he never listened to anybody, and that if he was ever drawn in a cartoon, he would be drawn without ears. Now, this President _has_ listened to some people: the so-called ‘Vulcans’ in the White House, the ideologues. But you know, unlike the Vulcans of Star Trek, who made their decisions based on logic and fact, these guys make it on ideology. These aren’t Vulcans! There are _Klingons_ in the White House!
> But unlike the _real_ Klingons of Star Trek, these Klingons have never fought a battle of their own. Don’t let faux Klingons send real Americans to war. It’s wrong.

[3]: http://www.rules.house.gov/Archives/one_minutes.htm “House of Representatives House Rules: One Minute Speech”

So. Very. Awesome. I love this.

Apparently, there’s a book out called [Rise of the Vulcans][4] focusing on Bush’s core advisors, who have dubbed themselves “Vulcans” after the Roman god of War. Wu just took the Vulcan thing and ran with it. In _entirely_ the wrong direction.

[4]: http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html%3FASIN=0143034898%26tag=djwudicom-20%26lcode=xm2%26cID=2025%26ccmID=165953%26location=/o/ASIN/0143034898%253FSubscriptionId=02ZH6J1W0649DTNS6002 “‘Rise of the Vulcans: The History of Bush’s War Cabinet’ (James Mann)”

The Sesame Street Theme…in Klingon


> Sunny day

> Sweepin’ the clouds away

> On my way

> to where the air is sweet.

> Can you tell me how to get,

> how to get to Sesame Street?


> pem Hov jaj.

> Haw’choHnIS ‘eng ‘ej Haj.

> ghoch vIghaj;

> ‘ej pa’ muDmo’ jIbel.

> chay’ _Sesame_ He vIghoS?

> SIbI’ jIHvaD ‘e’ yIDel.

Translation of the Klingon:

> A day of the daytime star.

> The clouds are compelled to commence fleeing, and are filled with dread.

> I have a destination;

> and there, because of the atmosphere, I am pleased.

> Describe to me **immediately**

> how to go to Sesame Street.

And there’s [two more verses at the original location][1]. This is _so_ wonderful!

[1]: http://www.tlg.uci.edu/~opoudjis/Klingon/sesame.html “Sesame Street Song / Sesame He bom”

(via [MeFi][2])

[2]: http://www.metafilter.com/mefi/45618 “MeFi: Sesame Street in Klingon”

Top 12 Things A Klingon Programmer Would Say

> 1. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
> 2. This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual processors if I am to do battle with this code!
> 3. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you’ve read it in the original Klingon.
> 4. Indentation?! — I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
> 5. What is this talk of ‘release’? Klingons do not make software ‘releases’. Our software ‘escapes’ leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
> 6. Klingon function calls do not have ‘parameters’ — they have ‘arguments’ — and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
> 7. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
> 8. I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again.
> 9. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
> 10. By filing this SCR you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!
> 11. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
> 12. Our users will know fear and cower before our software. Ship it! Ship it, and let them flee like the dogs they are!
> Seeing as how old school programmers think like Klingon programmers, I believe that it can be reasonably assumed that all old programmers are Klingon.

(Found on [/.][1])

[1]: http://hardware.slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=149912&cid=12566310 “/.: Re:And the use would be?”

tlhIngan Hol

Did _you_ know that you could [Google in Klingon][1]? Completely bizarre. But cool.

[1]: http://www.google.com/intl/xx-klingon/ “Google (Klingon)”

(Seen in the .sig for [this /. post][2], by [codexus][3])

[2]: http://ask.slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=49686&cid=5010681 “/.: Do it the old fashioned way”
[3]: http://ask.slashdot.org/~codexus “codexus’ /. page”